Exploring the Struggles of Relaxation
In a study I read, 46 percent of those surveyed stated that they had trouble relaxing...not just in general, during planned times dedicated to rest, like a vacation or the weekend. So, WHY is this??? It's very clear our human bodies require rest, so WHY does our brain make it so hard to do, even when you've planned to!? Restlessness is a feeling of constant unease and the inability to be at peace. It can happen in different ways, such as insomnia, anxiety, and even physical discomfort. In today's fast-paced world, restlessness is becoming more common as we are expected to be available and productive 24/7. I've found that there's at least 4 common reasons that high-achieving women struggle with relaxing. I'm sure there are more, but these have stood out the most to me in my coaching practice and with the research I've done.
These 5 reasons I'm going to share also have practical edits associated with them, that you can apply if you want. My mission is to equip and encourage high-achieving women to create more order in their life, so they maximize their impact... and honestly, when I reflect on it, all the clients and friends that make relaxing a priority in their life are more fulfilled.
I just want to remind you that rest is experienced differently by everyone. So this isn't the time to compare what anybody else does. You were uniquely created and have special ways your mind, body and soul need to be nourished. So not that you need permission from me, but you officially have permission to consider adding rest into your life...because btw, Jesus rested. He could have healed more people and saved more souls, but because he was human, he understood that in order to maximize his impact, he required rest. The Bible documents numerous times that Jesus retreated to pray and take a nap!
So, now that you have permission from me, and more importantly, that it was modeled by Jesus, let's dive into the 5 Reasons you struggle with resting.
1. Need a dopamine hit
When you have a low dopamine level, you tend to be excitement-seeking, sometimes drama-driven and relaxing is just another word for boring. Which, if my kids heard me say that word, they would make me do jumping jacks, because that's not a word we use...anyhow..
Any type of excitement—whether it's committing to another activity you don't have time for, staying up late watching a show, or even getting the latest drama update—boosts dopamine in the brain.
Needing a dopamine hit makes you seek out activity, which is the opposite of relaxing. Relaxing is allowing your body to be refreshed and not require your brain or body to do much more than just be.
Relaxation Edits: eat a higher-protein and lower-carbohydrate diet, consistent sleep, listen to music, identify the thrill-seeking activities you seek out to avoid resting, and taking nutritional supplements to increase your body's ability to create dopamine.
2. You're Stuck in Fight-or-Flight
We have two systems in our body that help us function. One gets us excited and one calms us down. They work together for an optimized life! We need our calming system, known as the Parasympathetic nervous system to relax us, so we can use the full function of our planning part of the brain. It counterbalances the Sympathetic Nervous System, which helps us react quickly to situations that come up.
The challenge is when the excitable system- also known as the Sympathetic Nervous System gets stuck. When the nervous system is healthy, they work together to help us manage stress. Staying in the excitable stage interferes with the body’s relaxation mechanism, making you feel restless, anxious, panicky, overstimulated, or sleepless. If this is the case, even when you try to relax, you aren’t able to shake off those feelings.
Relaxation Edits: guided meditation, prayer, breathing, talk with a coach or friend, exercise, and calming supplements.
3. Overstimulated
If you’re constantly flooding your mind with information, data, lights, sounds, smells, to-do lists, images, and opinions, your brain's circuits work overtime, making you feel chronically anxious and unsettled. It’s hard to relax when you've created habits that your brain is seeking out the next chaotic stimulating situation. Some personal examples of situations where I have identified that I get overstimulated are- spending time in a nursery, hosting a kids' birthday party, drinking too much caffeine, LOUD music with people shouting over it to try to communicate, watching crazy action/dramatic movies, being touched constantly and needed for every.single.thing.. Many times it's very clear that we're overstimulated, other times we've created habits that regular contribute to this, but we don't even notice anymore because it's become so common.
Relaxation Edits: Decrease how much media you watch and listen to. You can set screen time limits on your phone for the outlets you've become dependent on. Give yourself time to transition. Limit caffeine and write out the thoughts that are cluttering your mind.
4. Unsure what to do
We can get too comfortable with busyness and the lack of downtime, so we don’t know what to do with ourselves when we do have free time! If we haven't taken time to take an inventory of what we enjoy and are interested in, it can leave us feeling a empty and unfulfilled.
A busy and chaotic pace can also lead to an adrenaline addiction. I talk a little about this in my podcast "The Drug of Efficiency", which you can check out in the show notes.
In his book “Addiction and Grace” Gerald May points out that our brains become used to having that extra shot of adrenaline, that we need to get through our over packed schedules and when we finally do have downtime, our brains start experiencing withdrawal. We crave our fix – busyness, because that's what we're used to.
Relaxation Edits: make a list of things you enjoy doing, schedule time to rest so you can mentally prepare and have your list ready. Invite someone who has a calming presence to hang out with and learn what they enjoy doing!
5. Avoidance
Sometimes we're unable to rest because we don't want to let our brain think about certain topics. Continuing in busyness can be a passive way we avoid having to sit and ponder challenges like- painful relationships, unfulfilling jobs, or negative emotions. When we stop moving, the reality of all those things can come rushing back, and it can be overwhelming...we keep going, so we don't have to think. We keep reacting and putting out fires instead of figuring out what is causing the fire.
Relaxation Edits: take an audit of your emotional well-being, write out how you feel and how you want to feel, guided meditation, prayer, and breathing.
Not being good at relaxing is a mindset. Nobody is born with an inability to relax, but you have to want it. If you don't, it's because you have a false belief you don't need it or don't deserve it. It's important to dig deep and figure out what that belief is that is holding you back from something that is so good for you!
Implementing relaxation within your life is essential for maximizing your impact and living out your purpose, and I want to help any way I can.
Here are a few questions to ponder on this topic, so you can do some self-coaching.
Was I encouraged to rest growing up?
Who do I know that I respect, that models rest well?
What has to happen in my life to motivate me to learn how to rest?
You can check out another one of my podcast episodes where I explain three types of rest! You can find that here!