Self-Sabotage: The Coping Strategy
You Didn't Know You Had
Self-sabotage is the act or process of hindering or hurting oneself—consciously or unconsciously. Whether in our personal or professional lives, self-sabotaging behaviors can prevent our success and get in the way of realizing our goals.
The fascinating aspect of self-sabotage lies in its ability to show up in different ways, often catching us off guard. Picture this: our "self" is composed of our mind, body, and soul, and it's within these realms that we can unintentionally hold ourselves back from growth. It's not a deliberate act; rather, it happens when we're unaware of what we do and the consequences that result from what we do.
Now, let's acknowledge a universal truth—we all self-sabotage. Nobody is perfect except Jesus himself, so we all need to be humble enough to accept we're susceptible to self-sabotage. Even the bible talks about it. I've always been fascinated with this verse from Romans 7:15, "I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate." It speaks to the inherent struggle within all of us.
In the spirit of transparency and vulnerability, since I'm teaching myself to get to that level more often, I'll share some personal examples of self-sabotaging tendencies in my own life.
Eating soy and gluten because of FOMO. Guilty.
Saying yes to too many things that then spreads myself thin. Definitely been there.
Overthinking scenarios I can't control for the sake of feeling control. Oh, the stress.
Not taking risks in my business to prevent myself from failing and being embarrassed. Yep.
Avoiding difficult conversations to maintain a false-sense of peace. Guilty again.
And it's not just me. We all have our unique ways of self-sabotaging, like making impulsive decisions for short-term excitement or avoiding feedback because change feels uncomfortable.
Spoiler alert—it's not a sustainable strategy.
Here are a few ways self-sabotage negatively impacts our life:
it stops you from trying new things and learning, so you feel stuck.
it has you delay and avoid things at work, so you miss a chance to move up.
it has you feel less courageous to have those difficult conversations that will help your relationships.
it has you making not-so-healthy choices that hurts your body.
it has you deciding things too fast that causes problems.
it prevents you from getting close to people, so you're less connected and ultimately less happy.
But here's the deal—once we start realizing that we intentionally make our own lives more difficult, we can take responsibility and actually do something about it. It's like turning on the lights in a dark room—suddenly, you see what needs fixing that you didn't see before.
Ever thought about why we do it though? Turns out, self-sabotage is a coping mechanism. A coping mechanism is something we naturally do to make ourselves feel better. The challenge is that our brain thinks it's protecting us by "helping us get out of feeling uncomfortable", but in reality, it's like putting a band-aid on a broken arm, giving temporary relief with a long-term mess.
Perfectionism and Procrastination
Now, there are two main ways we tend to trip ourselves up: perfectionism and procrastination. There's definitely more ways, but these two ways are most prevalent with the achieving, driven women I coach.
Perfectionism is the pursuit of excellence at an impossible standard. While striving for excellence is great, perfectionism takes it to the extreme-extreme. It sets the bar so high that it becomes stressful and leads to self-criticism, which leads to energy draining, which then leads to a cycle of feeling never quite good enough. It's like being on a never-ending treadmill, always chasing an elusive goal that keeps moving farther away.
The stress and self-criticism drain your energy, making it harder to appreciate your accomplishments. This constant pursuit of an impossible standard will impact your mental well-being, creating a cycle where your self-worth is tied to achieving an unattainable level of perfection. Let's repeat that again, perfectionism will convince you that your self-worth is tied to achieving an unattainable level of perfection, and if your value is dependent on that, heck no your brain isn't going to let you be value-less. It's going to do whatever it can "aka self-sabotage" you from possibly doing something wrong.
The other way we self-sabotage is with procrastination. Procrastination joins the self-sabotage party as another tricky guest. It convinces you that life has a snooze button that provides the false-sense of hope that life's challenges will vanish into thin air. Surprise, surprise—it doesn't work that way. Procrastination delays the inevitable, creating a false sense of temporary relief while adding to the stress down the road.
Procrastination often comes from a mix of factors—fear of failure, fear of success, or simply feeling overwhelmed by the task at hand. There's this hope that by putting things off, the situation will somehow become more manageable or that inspiration will strike at the last minute. However, in reality, procrastination tends to make matters worse.
So, whether it's the perfectionism treadmill or the procrastination pitstop, self-sabotage sneaks in, complicating the journey to achieving your goals. Breaking free from these cycles involves recognizing the patterns and making intentional choices to overcome the hurdles they create.
Self- Sabotage Red Flags
So, where do you find yourself in the self-sabotage circus, and why? Let's play detective for a moment. Here are some red flags:
- Putting things off
- Being way too hard on yourself
- Avoiding new experiences
- Isolating
- Making decisions quicker than a microwave heats up leftovers
- Taking on either too much or too little
- Forgetting about your well-being
- Tuning out trusted advice
- Having no clear goals
- Comparing yourself more than you scroll through Instagram
- Rocking that pessimistic vibe
- And let's not forget the classic move—repeating the same mistakes.
But here's the takeaway: recognizing self-sabotage is the first step toward turning things around. Cut yourself some slack, no need for guilt or shame. Self-sabotage happens to the best of us. Life's too short to let self-sabotage sneak in and hold you back from living out your fullest potential.